I am an Ethically Non-Monamgous Black Woman—Yes, We Do Exist!

It took me forty years to truly step into my truth—I’m ethical non-monogamous (ENM). Yes, I said it. I know, I know, it feels like everyone and their mama’s hopping on the bandwagon, but this is me. I’m not just following a trend. In fact, unlike Omarion—who recently sat down with Sherri Shepherd to discuss everything from celibacy to his thoughts on monogamy—I’m not doing this because “the women outnumber the men,” as he put it. 

And while I can appreciate his honesty, let’s be clear: ethical non-monogamous Black women do exist and we don’t practice ENM  because there is a man shortage. Nor do we do it out of fear that our partners won’t be faithful. No, honey, we practice ENM because we, too, enjoy the freedom to love and explore sexually with multiple people. Plain and simple.

So, what’s ENM, exactly? Ethical non-monogamy is the relationship philosophy where everyone involved agrees to have multiple partners—and I mean *everyone*. It’s all about communication, consent, and honesty. No secrets, no betrayal—just clear understanding and mutual respect.  But unlike cheating, which thrives on hidden text messages and dishonesty, ENM is built on transparency. It’s about curating relationships that fit your own needs and desires, allowing you to explore sex and romance on your terms. It’s an *authentic* connection, one where honesty is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

The thing is, ENM isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation. Everyone who practices ENM isn’t poly, there are several forms of ENM. Think of it like a wardrobe—there are different styles, and you get to pick and choose what suits your life and preferences. As for me, I’m more of an **open relationship** and **monogamish** type of bitch. In an **open relationship**, you and your primary partner can have sex with other people, but the emotional bond stays rock-solid between the two of you. It’s about exploring sexually, keeping things fresh, but still preserving that foundation of trust. Then there’s **monogamish**—which is kind of like an open relationship but with a twist of tradition. You’re mostly monogamous, but there’s room for occasional outside sexual experiences. It’s like the heart and soul of a committed relationship, but with a little extra flavor when the mood strikes.

Other forms of ENM include polyamory, which is essentially having your cake and eating it too—multiple romantic relationships at once, with everyone’s full consent. Personally, I don’t have the capacity to juggle several ongoing relationships at once, but I know plenty of people who do. Poly is about expanding your capacity for love, rather than being confined to the one-partner box society insists we fit into. Then there’s **relationship anarchy**, the rebellious cousin of ENM, where there are no rules or hierarchies. Relationships aren’t predefined but are built on mutual agreements, with each person’s needs and desires at the center. If you think three’s a crowd, think again: a **throuple** is a romantic relationship between three people, where everyone is equally involved. It’s a balancing act of emotions, desires, and communication, ensuring no one feels like the odd one out. Then there’s the **closed V**, where one person (the “pivot”) has two partners, but those partners don’t interact with each other. It’s a way to maintain multiple relationships without them crossing paths.

Now, back to me—how long have I been part of the ENM tribe? Well, if I had to put a timestamp on it, I’d say at least a decade. Being ENM wasn’t something I proudly embraced for years, mainly because I grew up Christian. I had to do the hard work of accepting myself and unlearning the toxic, unhealthy narratives society and religion had programmed me to believe. Only then could I admit that I loved and did relationships in a way that was different, not bad. The funniest part about me being blind to my own ENM truth is that all of my male friends could see it from the start. I distinctly remember one of my good guy friends telling me about eight years ago that he didn’t think I was the “one-man type” of woman. I was so offended by his opinion and determined to prove him wrong. “I can be a one-man woman,” I thought. “He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.” Guess he was right, because here we are now at forty—living my very best ENM life. Lol.

So, how did I know I was ENM? Great question. I think the lightbulb finally went off for me when I couldn’t deny it anymore—when I found true joy in adding other people to my bed. Yep, I’m a swinger. I enjoy having sex with men who aren’t my man, lol. I love the thrill and rush of it all. I also realized that when I did have sex with other men, it didn’t change my love or interest in my partner. For me, sex and love are two different things. Sex is a physical act, not an emotional one. Yes, in most cases, I need to like you to want to sleep with you, but that like doesn’t have to come in the form of a relationship. I can like how you look physically, or how we vibe together—none of this means I’m looking to build a relationship with you. 

I think the biggest misconception people have about those of us living the ENM life is that we’re all whores, lack self-control, and just don’t want to be in relationships. None of that is true. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships. I honestly believe that many relationships fail because we’re all trying to do them the same way. Contrary to popular belief, I still want to build a future with one man; I just don’t want to be limited to having sex with only one man forever. And if that makes me an undisciplined whore, then so be it!