Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Here’s How Understanding Conflict Languages Can Save You

It is valentine’s day, which is meant to be a day of love and where there’s love, there will ultimately be conflict at some point.  So, let’s talk about conflict in relationships, and different ways you may express conflict—better known as conflict languages.  Now I know what you’re thinking, Dr. Martin, must you ruin the vibe of Valentine’s Day?  Absolutely. Valentine’s Day takes away too much attention from Black History Month anyway.  And if the vibes are ruined by discussing conflict, you’re probably JUST the person who needs to read this article.  Now quiet as it’s kept, conflict is not the thing that breaks down relationships.  It’s actually poor conflict resolution.  No one expects to agree every second of the day.  But they also shouldn’t expect to be called everything but a child of God due to a conflict presenting itself.  That shows that there are poor conflict resolution skills present and as a psychologist, I have seen this issue present itself in many ways, however it can often be connected to not understanding someone’s conflict language.  

Understanding you and your partner’s conflict language can lead to breakthroughs in your relationship.  Conflict languages are simply the way that we navigate anger, frustration, sadness, and other negative emotions in our relationships with others and ourselves.  Some people need space after a conflict, while the other needs to talk immediately (these two are always married or coupled up).  Recognizing these differences can help prevent miscommunication. If person A needs 15 minutes before talking and Person B needs five, you may decide to take 10.  It’s not often this simple but it does require compromise and understanding. 

The goal is to find a way to engage with each other in a healthy manner that doesn’t demean your partner or their current method of managing conflict.  In my career, I have noticed certain trends in the way that people respond to conflict and the lack of healthy conflict resolution skills will break any relationship whether that’s with family, a coworker, or a romantic partner.  There are people who want to jump right into problem solving and fix the issue at hand.  Now this “inspector gadget” logic can also be seen as a defense mechanism because when you focus on solutions you don’t have to focus on the discomfort of the emotions.  You can acknowledge this person’s need for a resolution and even praise them for taking the time to workshop issues.  But you also need to address that you would like to process emotions as well because that’s also important.

Certain individuals respond to the conflict immediately and often loudly, think of them like a tea kettle, you know it’s ready when it starts whistling.  A lot of times “tea kettles” have had many experiences of feeling unheard so they want to get their point across immediately. I’ve also found that these individuals may also struggle with feeling overwhelmed with the emotions and as a result may raise their voice or use stronger language.  It’s important to allow tea kettles to express their emotions, but you also have to establish ground rules and boundaries within yourself regarding what you will deal with.  You can respect someone’s need to express themselves while also letting them know that they need to respect you and what that looks like in conversation.

There are also people who will withdraw immediately and need space to process their emotions.  I think of these people as a “quiet storm” because even though they may not say much in the moment their emotions are still very present beneath the surface.  Quiet storms aren’t born, they’re made, as with all conflict styles.  The best way to work with these individuals is to respect their need for space but make sure you agree on a time to revisit the issue.  Now the quiet storm is not to be confused with the “volcano.”  Volcanos take a while to erupt, and they may suppress their feelings saying that everything is fine, but it will ultimately lead to an emotional outburst or shutting down altogether.  This can occur because many people have been taught intentionally or unintentionally not to express their anger.  They may feel like they don’t have a right to their anger, have a fear that the person will reject them, or they’ve never had a healthy way to express themselves.  With volcanos it is incredibly important to create a supportive environment where they feel safe sharing their emotions.  This can occur by asking them more often about  their feelings regarding different scenarios in their day to day activities, and following up with open ended questions.  They need to have examples of when you were there for them and showed that you cared, to pull from, so that they feel more comfortable opening up in a healthy manner.

And last but not least, we have the passive aggressive conflict style AKA the “subtweeters.”  This person doesn’t express their frustrations directly, but you know they’re present.  They’ll use sarcasm, a subtle jab here and there, and even backhanded compliments to express their displeasure.  This conflict style is often based in fear, low self-esteem, or even lack of accountability.  So many people who exhibit this style think it’s gentler, but they fail to acknowledge that passive aggressive still has the word aggressive in it.  Passive aggressive communication hides true feelings and you will need to have open and honest conversations about what is upsetting them, even if they try to deny it, it can be helpful to use their language.  For example, “I know you’re saying that you aren’t upset but when you said XYZ, it was hurtful and it seems like you’re upset.  Can we talk about what’s bothering you because our relationship matters to me and hurting me is not going to keep me in this relationship.”

Now, knowing your conflict language is not enough.  It’s also important to have awareness in your body during the conflict.  Here are some signs that you may be increasing in your anger. You notice that your breathing rate is increasing.  Your chest may be going up and down quickly and you are struggling to catch your breath. Your fists may be clenched, your eyebrows may be pushed down towards your nose, and your shoulders may be all the way at your ears.  You may even notice that you are pacing to attempt to calm yourself down.  Ultimately, your body is bracing for a fight.  Our emotions operate on a spectrum, and it is easier to have a meaningful conversation at an 8 than a 9, at a 7 than an 8, and so on and so on.  Your conflict language may also shift given how high you are on the emotional  scale.  So recognizing when you are escalating is truly a game changer because it can help diffuse the situation before it escalates.  I want you to think back to some of your serious blow ups. It didn’t just come out of nowhere.  What were the signs that you were reaching the point of snapping?  That’s what you need to look out for in the future, and of course to do all of this you need to slow down.  Slowing down is the key factor formental health.  We live in a world that forces us to speed up, operate on autopilot, detach, and then we are surprised when we snap.  You need to slow down and replay scenarios so you can work on them not happening in the future.

• What were the first physical signs that I noticed when I started getting upset?
• Were there certain words, actions, or scenarios that led me to escalate?
• What are three things I can do in the moment to slow down when I recognize I’m escalating?
• How can I communicate to others when I recognize I am too escalated to continue a conversation?

When you are in a relationship with another person, having discussions about how they manage conflict can help how you handle the dynamics of your relationship.  Conflict will ultimately arise in any relationship.  And it’s not about doing a play by play of what they did wrong and how you were right because it’s not you against each other, it’s you two together against the problem.