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What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?

December 18, 2024

The holiday season is here, but it isn’t exactly a time of joy and cheer for everyone. For those with incarcerated loved ones, bright lights and visits from Santa serve as a detrimental reminder that their family unit is not quite complete. It’s during these times that the pain of separation tightens its grip on those inside and the loved ones they long for on the outside. In spite of physical and metaphorical barriers, countless loved ones of incarcerated individuals give their all to keep the love flowing and the communication cord pulsating for those they hold dear. Of those countless warriors, women top the charts when it comes to seeing that their loved ones are lifted, loved, and connected to the outside world. Everyday these mothers, grandmothers, spouses, daughters, sisters, cousins, aunts, and friends fight through their own heartache to step up to the plate to be the rock their loved ones need in their darkest hours. They’re on the frontlines driving the miles, making the calls, stretching the funds, working multiple jobs to manage the household, and lifting everyone’s spirits while battling to regulate their own. Two women who know all too well what the treacherous journey of loving a person living in the system feels like are Alice Coleman and Deserye Lewis. Coleman and Lewis are just two of the millions of women in the United States that have incarcerated loved ones. To get an even clearer picture, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 2 Black women are missing pieces of their hearts during the holidays and year-round due to their loved one being incarcerated.

With those lost pieces comes a sense of isolation and uncertainty that impacts the vast majority of these women warriors. Reports show that 86 percent of women with incarcerated loved ones battle with their mental health year-round. These battles only intensify during the holidays. When it comes to loving an incarcerated individual, Lewis explains “it takes a lot of strength, bravery, and determination. The days are long, and nights are lonely. It takes resilience, prayers, and a whole lot of faith to get through it.” Her children’s father has been incarcerated for over a year and a half while his case is in litigation. Their two year old son is the youngest of nine children in their blended family. She describes the connection between an incarcerated loved one and their family as filtered. This description isn’t far-fetched being that all calls, mail, and visits are monitored. Imagine how unnerving it is to know your most vulnerable moments with your loved one are always under someone’s watchful eye. Alice has been on the frontlines for almost three decades. Her husband has served 28 years, and her son has served 15 years. Both men were sentenced to life. Though they may be at different points in their journey, Coleman and Lewis each agree that loneliness is by far the most difficult element of having an incarcerated loved one. “I’ve been dealing with the carceral system since 1984, so I find myself numb to it and its many antics. Nothing surprises me anymore. But what I am learning is that numbness is another form of isolation,” says Coleman.

During the holidays, loved ones of incarcerated individuals do their best to find peace in the storm. Now that her children are older, Coleman spends time with other women of incarcerated loved ones during the holidays. She explains, “We’ll get an Airbnb, we’ll cook, and we’ll just try to have a good time together. The interaction with other women with incarcerated loved ones like myself, who are going through the same thing I am going through, is soothing.” Lewis has found that keeping the family holiday traditions alive is a way to uplift her children and herself during their father’s absence. “I still cook, I still decorate, and we still go Christmas tree shopping together. I am really big when it comes to decorating for Christmas. I love ornaments. I incorporate ornaments that remind me of my loved ones and those that I’ve lost that are no longer here with me, whether they are gone because they are incarcerated or because they have passed and transitioned. I still think of them, and I add decorations in order to show love, support, and remembrance of them,” says Lewis.

Since 2014, Essie Justice Group, the nation’s leading advocacy organization of women with incarcerated loved ones, has served as a safe haven for women feeling isolated and unsure of what comes next. As members of Essie Justice Group, Coleman, Lewis and others are part of a supportive sisterhood of women that strengthen one another year-round and even more so during the holidays. Essie Justice Group and its programs, such as the Healing to Advocacy Program, have been an answered prayer for Lewis and Coleman. The women have found ways to cope through such things as journaling, helping others, prayer and focusing on their faith, music, or family time, but moments with Essie have been one of their most important coping mechanisms. Whether they need to vent, need encouragement, or need help with a legal matter, the sisterhood of Essie is there to lend a hand. For those who walk journeys similar to Coleman and Lewis’, it’s important to know that there’s no shame in asking for help and being yourself. The women also stress the importance of finding trusted individuals to confide in such as Essie Justice Group. Deserye isn’t sure if she’d get through this journey with the resilience and grace that she has without Essie. Says Coleman, “There are so many people that are going through a number of things as it pertains to having loved ones that are incarcerated, but they hide it because of the shame, because of many fears, because of the judgment. But now people are stepping out, and they’re speaking more freely. They are doing that because they have a place to use their voice and be heard because Essie listens.”

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