Is Delulu the Solulu?

In 2006, an episode of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody aired called ‘Pilot Your Own Life’. Every once in a while, I spout the line ‘if you believe, you can succeed and you can pilot your own life’. It turns out that was not the exact phrasing. Pilot your own life, a phrase coined by the fictionalized life coach was part of a larger initiative of taking control of your life. ‘If you can conceive, you can believe and then you can achieve. Live your dream and aim for the sky because you are the pilot of your own life.’ Across social media ‘delulu is the solulu’ has gained a lot of traction. Piloting your life is out, delusion is in. And let’s be honest, are we really surprised?

At 25 and in the past couple of years since I dropped the ‘teen’ at the end of my age, we have experienced a global pandemic, state sanctioned murder, protests against police brutality, a war, a military coup, a crisis on nearly every front and earth is on its last legs. Life is not feeling very bonita.  Where there is despair, there is a new way to cope.

Last year, I penned a note in December about delusion and how it had been a word stuck on my mind for months. I was plagued, particularly in the latter half of the year – by thoughts that crazy, unfathomable things would and could happen for me. I could delude myself into the fantasies I selected as I prepared for myself. And as much as I joke about delusion, I’ve genuinely tried to make it stick. It’s not quite working for me but I’ve figured out why.

Delulu, The Solulu?

Delusion carries the weight of something separate from current reality. Something so far, so contrary to not only who I am but where I am. But wanting things so deeply, so desirable to me, despite no clear path in sight isn’t necessarily an absurd thing that can’t come to pass. And that is my issue with delusion. My heart continues to be warmed by reminders and thoughts that it can happen for me. My wants and desires, they’re not all far-fetched. I would search and delete my history looking for good news in horoscopes and astrology accounts. Hope the verse of the day would tell me what I wanted to hear at that moment, a gentle reminder to keep going. Delusion is segue from the meritocratic dream, and as such, it holds its own as a solid belief. 

My issue and continuous bone of contention is I lack balance. I struggle to find the perfect medium, scales tilted on the exact plane they should be. Being a delusional girl is a double edged sword. On the one hand, these things can and will happen to me. On the other hand, just as easily, they can’t and won’t. Trying to lean into delusion feels like a complete abandonment of things that are possible. It pedastalizes all my hopes and dreams, creating an immeasurable distance between us. 

A Coping Mechanism, A Belief System

Throughout the year, I’ve come to quiet realizations about delusion. I thought I was doing delusion wrong and that was never quite the case. In Dear Senthuran, Akwaeke writes ‘I bribed myself with the future.’ Delusion isn’t necessarily an absurd fruition of our whispered wants and dreams. It sits on par probably with manifestations. For others it’s the solid faith that comes with prayer and servitude of a higher power. It’s the universe delivering what’s yours. Delusion is as delusion does, and like belief systems, it requires surrender and vulnerability and it’s lucky and unlucky. To be or not to be, unchangeable yet extremely malleable. And it works or it doesn’t, but we lean into it anyway.