fat girl sex: radical self-love for goddess sex

Fat Girl Sex is a bi-weekly sex column devoted to the celebration of the sexual empowerment of women, body, and sex-positivity featuring personal meandering about all the nasty things we do in the dark.

As a lifetime fat girl, I’ll be the first to tell you that being sexually active was/is somewhat dubious. For the majority of my chubby life, the only time I heard about fat girls having sex was as the butt of a joke or as the description of a fetish. The cultural acceptance of fatphobia dehumanizing and desexualizing our bodies, framing our desirability as laughable and our sexuality as pathetic.

For many years, this perpetuated anxious thoughts within me. My realization that my humanity and worth weren’t tied up in my appearance combined with the unrelenting reinforcement of the opposite depressed and isolated me.

When I did meet a potential partner, I found myself wondering: does this person know I’m fat? Like, really, actually fat? And if they don’t, when they find out, will I be burned at the stake? Will I have set myself up for embarrassment and shame just by being fat and horny? According to the conversations we have as a society…yeah, pretty much.

For years, I felt psychologically trapped by the anxiety created by fatphobia. To the point where I could not imagine feeling comfortable enough with my body to have sex at all. But, over time, I was able to build a relationship with myself that needed self-love more than I needed validation from people who were able to “look past” my weight. I learned to stop trying to outsource approval and how to seek it within.

1. Set the standard by worshiping yourself

Choosing radical self-love opened me up to a place that encouraged me to enjoy the power and beauty my body possesses and to share that in satisfying, unashamed, and healthy ways.

I won’t pretend that that’s not tough as shit. Especially for those of us who live with mental illnesses. The key thing is to try. That’s all you have to do, a little at a time. Establish a self-care routine that includes treating your body and mind right. For me, this comes in the form of an uplifting indica, practicing the perfect face beat just to sit around the crib looking pretty, lingerie selfies for no one in particular, and admiring my reflection. But, you know, do whatever makes you feel good! The point is to pick rituals and routines that give you the chance to be your biggest fan.

2. Sexualize yourself

Challenge the narrative about fat bodies by doing things that might help you relate your sexuality with your body. Develop a non-judgemental understanding of your kinks and fetishes, indulge in the (legal?) things that get you off and witness and celebrate the ways in which your body can give and receive pleasure — just as it is. Harness that power for yourself and bask in it.

3. Set uncompromisable boundaries

Setting boundaries is a way to express and stay rooted in self-respect and self-love when intense or complicated feelings for others might enable more easily looking past red flags and signs of potential abuse or mistreatment. Boundaries are the explicit prioritization of one’s relationship with themselves over any outside force.

When I enter a sexual or romantic relationship with someone new, I’ve learned to be upfront that negative comments and behavior about my weight or appearance will not be tolerated in any fashion. There is zero exception to this rule. Creating a safe space for yourself in this way will only empower you to enjoy your sexuality. People won’t always honor those boundaries, but when they don’t, you’ll know it’s time to go.

4. Stop having performative sex

If you’re not getting paid, there’s no need to put an in-your-head, business-like performance of sexuality. This isn’t a Cardi song, you don’t need to do a jump split onto your partner’s face or ride the dick in some big tall heels. For some, sex while fat can come with physical limitations, and that’s perfectly fine! Don’t succumb to pressure to overcompensate for your weight or anything else by putting on a tiring, uncomfortable, and unsatisfying show for anyone. Same with faking orgasms. This is true for everyone regardless of weight, but the point is to learn how to prioritize your own sexual gratification because you deserve it and are worthy of pleasure and adoration.