did someone say family friendly freanik? we hope not

It was recently announced that Freaknik will return to Atlanta…  in a family friendly form. Yikes — we mean, hooray!

In honor of this, um, experience that, um, is gonna be as fun as the original and totally not depressing, we have created a list of some more experiences that we’re bringing back with a family friendly twist. We do this for you!

1. NEW TREND FORECAST: LEPROSY

Waist trainers not working? Tummy tea still leaving you a bit hefty? Well, how about we bring back leprosy! Why yes, the disease that wiped droves of humans out is back with a new family friendly spin designed to help you get rid of the extra pounds, quick, fast, and in a hurry. Hurry up because the only thing going faster than your flesh will be this limited time offer.

2. NEW HOT SPOT:  ‘MAGIC CITY’

Do you desire great hot wings, but not hot bodies? Do you need a place to marvel at all of women’s magic, but not a pole? Well, how about reimagining legendary Atlanta strip club, Magic City, as a showcase for all women magicians! That’s right, a place once only for horny people and “cool” girlfriends is now a place for the whole damn family. Nothing popping here anymore, except rabbits out of hats. Where legs used to be split in half, now only the magician’s assistant will be split in half — but covered with a box. So, get ready for some family friendly razzle dazzle and say goodbye to dat ass.

3. AND BE SURE TO RSVP TO THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE YEAR: WORLD WAR THREE

Did someone say reboot?

For the first time since 1945, we present to you the latest edition of World War! Y’all may remember us from our deadly shenanigans part 1 and 2, OG’s stand up! If you don’t remember, they capped Archduke Franz Ferdinand and then shit popped awffff. Well we’re back with an all new family friendly version of the World War called World War 3: Thirsty For More.

For one weekend and one weekend only, we invite YOU from all around the globe to join us at the center of the earth (coordinates 40°52′N 34°34′E). We’re so proud to announce we’ve partnered with Uber for discounts using the promo code THIRD-TIMES-THE-CHARM.

Trade in your rifles and throw away your flamethrowers cause you’re gonna need room for all the activities in store. Oh we will be fighting and it will get messy.

Programming includes but is not limited to:

-Arm wars where your arm does not have to be on the table
-Rock paper scissors with no countdown and no “best of three” bullshit
-Speed walking 1 mile with untied shoelaces (children under 21 must have legal guardian sign a waiver to participate)
-Licking the side of a piece of paper and trying not to get a paper cut (sponsored by Neosporin)
-Who can eat hot food that has just come out of the microwave without saying “hof hof hof” competition

Also, please be sure to fill out our google doc to participate in our no swear words rap battle! Yo mama jokes are a no no!