addressing rape culture is not just about legality, it’s about not acting like an entitled asshole

I was frustrated reading the Babe article about the Aziz Ansari Incident. Frustrated by what seemed to an outsider like the victim’s slowness to pick up her shit and dip out.

Until I remembered exactly how it feels, in the moment, when you’re confused, in shock, or in denial over the events transpiring. I remembered every time I’ve been abused by a man I liked or had feelings for and the complete mind-fuck that it is, in that moment and long after. And unless you’re in that person’s shoes, you don’t know how you’d respond. And even still, that response is yours and we are all very different people.

Unlike pretty much all of the other #MeToo accusations, this one has unleashed a swarm of visceral responses, on “both sides”. And that’s because almost everyone has had similar experiences with varying factors and at varying degrees. Attempting to pressure women into giving up sex (as opposed to the desire to give sex), is a sick, but a normalized aspect to sexual interactions between men and women. And, now, being faced to acknowledge this collective and routine exposure to and perpetuation of abuse, many of us are too afraid, sad, and ashamed to do so.

But this conversation, about our social norms pertaining to sex and dating is exactly the conversation we need to be having right now.

As Grace alleges in the article reported by Babe, she told Ansari that she did not want to have sex with him. Despite that, Ansari spent the rest of the night trying to cross the boundary she had already set up.
“Then he brought her to a large mirror, bent her over and asked her again, “Where do you want me to fuck you? Do you want me to fuck you right here?” He rammed his penis against her ass while he said it, pantomiming intercourse.”

With a woman who not only refused sex, but verbally communicated that she didn’t want to be forced into it either.

This is rape culture.

In the case of the extreme, Harvey Weinstein was known to be a pervert and a bully. And the celebrities around him knew this but claimed not to know that he was, allegedly, raping people, too. After groping upcoming actress and model Ambra Battilana Gutierrez during a prior interaction, the NYPD captured audio of Weinstein’s unrelenting pressure for Gutierrez to go back to his hotel room. A truly disturbing listen that demonstrated the smothering effect used by this predator and many others.

A posturing that was attributed to Aziz Ansari in this article. A tactic that so many men for entitled use and so many women have experienced. This isn’t to say that Aziz’s conduct was as violent or calculated as Weinstein’s. The commonality is that they both exhibit these same patterns of sexually predatory behavior. One of them happens to be a serial rapist.

Hint: it’s not a good thing to share sexually predatory behaviors with a serial rapist.

The Aziz Ansari story is a good litmus test for who sees sexual misconduct as a strictly legal question and who is concerned about improving the overall culture surrounding sex and dating. It’s also many times more relevant to the average person’s experience than, say, Weinstein.

— David Klion (@DavidKlion) January 15, 2018

The hard truth people's reactions are revealing: NotAllMen, not even most men, are rapists or harassers. But I bet most men have, at some point in their lives, to some degree, behaved in ways they can recognize as uncomfortably close to that Ansari story. That's a problem.

— David Klion (@DavidKlion) January 15, 2018

When someone tells you they don’t want to have sex with you they are establishing their boundary.

Setting and holding up your personal boundaries is a matter of self-care and health. They are necessary to establish and maintain healthy relationships with yourself and the people you interact with. When someone attempts to wear down your will to force their way through the boundaries you have established, they are abusing you.

Like so many of us, Grace did what she was *able* to do in the moment. Not verbalizing the totality of her boundaries There is no perfect way to be victimized. The personal work she and all of us must do to consciously establish our own boundaries is much more than saying “no”, it’s also about being able to respond confidently and protectively to abuse.

And in a society where rape culture and dating culture overlap, protecting yourself as best as you can, like Grace, was brave as hell.