exclusive: the pepsi that ended racism speaks out #satire

April 5, 2017

By Jaz Joyner, AFROPUNK contributor

Look, that’s me!I never thought I’d change the world, but thanks to my recent commercial featuring supermodel Kendall Jenner, I’m now internet-famous.

It all started when I and a few brilliant writers discussed what might make sense for our next commercial. Luckily, a wonderful writer recalled the Women’s March and said, “How about we remake that? It was a total hit and everyone was talking about it! So like, let’s have a march and you — Pepsi— will be the subject matter!”

Of course I jumped at the chance. Me, a star! Just like how white women were the stars of the Women’s March, I’d be the star of a Pepsi march. A brilliant idea.

I told the writers I’d need to be involved in the castings as well, to see how I connected with my co-stars. So when Kendall’s name came up I was immediately intrigued! Kendall is the Women’s March! She’s a true symbol of modern feminism, and with her proud brown hair, liberated smile and fair skin, she’d warm the hearts of millions.

I wanted the march to represent everything while also not really pushing anything, similar to the Women’s March, so I had the idea of making generally really cool signs instead of specific ones. You see, if you’re gonna end racism and all discrimination, you can’t really be direct about it, you know?

It’s just gotta flow, man. Plus, I was the star so it would be kind of weird to make something else the focal point.

And then we thought, cops are apparently big deals these days, so we made sure to include them in the climax of our ad. We had Kendall hand me to a really nice looking policeman who in turn comforted the crowd with a kind grin, symbolizing understanding and unity. I was the peace offering, get it? So that’s when everyone candidly cheered because we ended all discrimination and racism thanks to me and Kendall!

I’m pretty happy with how everything turned out. Also, I’ve been getting a lot of emails and calls lately so I’m assuming that’s people reaching out to express their joy with the ad. It feels so good to save the world. You should try it sometime.

Thank me later.


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