Sex & Gender

op-ed: “to my rare black woman”

September 12, 2014

Sometimes, I think that all genders owe each other a massive apology. Why? Weeks ago, I had been online, checking in on Black YouTube. (Hey, if Twitter can have one, why can’t YouTube?) It seems like of the major things happening between men and women is this need to declare that there are no such things as a good black (wo)man anymore. Nowadays, it seems like black women are getting an equal amount of brunt for the problems regarding dating and relationships. From a crazy amount of videos I had seen, the criteria for a good black woman mostly includes the following: no babies out of wedlock (or if they must have babies, know who the baby father is), no mental illness of any kind, has enough education under her belt, no knee-jerk attitudes for random reasons, no overblown sense of entitlement, no fake body parts, (breathes) no sexual promiscuity, a fit body, basically no hoodrat/”THOT” tendencies whatsoever. Some even went so far as to say they aren’t feeling women with tattoos. (*raises eyebrows*)

By Lightning Pill, AFROPUNK Contributor

Why such overblown standards on the male side? The object of the game was for men to find a good woman that he can take home to mama, assuming love is the objective. I guess because of a black woman’s supposed inability to comply with these credentials, they decide they are going to go ahead and date white women, Asian women, brazilian women, spanish women, women from the planet Zorkon, etc.

Now, look, I may not be incredibly happy with the problems being suffered by the black community, especially when it comes to figuring out which ones are suitable dating candidates, but even I have to say our rules and regulations can be twenty different kinds of unrealistic.

Some guys like to think they are the ultimate connoisseur of women. Hell, I’m not a perfect guy. I do have certain standards when it comes to a girl I’m hanging out with. If you seem morally or socially stunted and are likely to send a man to the insane asylum, I will probably not mess with you. But if there is anything that people in relationships have to accept, it’s that even the greatest women on earth have little “problems” here and there, and what makes you a good suitor is having enough patience to either look past that or work with that and focus upon the bigger, beautiful picture.

I remember when I responded to a video by a well-known black blogger. The video showed a Latin woman asking to find good white men. I answered this blog with two things: 1) a declaration that the possibility as to why black or some Latin women are so averse to black men has a lot to do with the men themselves sometimes and their own treatment of women, and 2) assurance that there are good black women all around. Hell, I am married to one.

Physically, my wife might not be Zoe Saldana, but I never asked her to be. Weight was never and still isn’t a factor, when it came to loving her. The idea of dating is that looks usually get you within a man’s crosshairs, and the personality keeps you there. She has plenty of that. Her smile could light up the red carpet and turn it pink, if they’d let her. My wife can sometimes let her anxiety get the best of her. Oftentimes, to the point where she sometimes falters, when it comes to social situations, but the purpose of a husband is to help relieve her of that. She has her Sapphire-ish moments sometimes and her family gets on her for that, but that isn’t a problem for me. I know she does it because she expects the best from me and nothing more. I know my baby isn’t perfect to every guy, but from where I am sitting, she is a jewel, and everytime she feels anxious about whether or not she is good enough for me, I tell her this everytime (“and I thought I told you yesterday”.)

The best part about my wife is that she is willing to accept my eccentricities and open an ear to any problem I might have. When I feel a little anxious or depressed about my problems, she always listens. She is sympathetic and open-hearted. She loves kids and is a little girl at heart (that’s putting it positively). When it seems like I’m lacking certain things, she is there to provide that. It doesn’t hurt that she truly knows her way around the bedroom. (Too much? Sorry. *hangs head and says “not really”*) She makes me feel so good that I wound up creating a mixtape of personally written songs just for her! Ladies like her are the kind of women men could have anytime they want, if only we would get out of their own way sometimes.

If there is anything I have learned about dating in my 25 years of life, it’s that it is not enough to just be good black men. Good isn’t good enough anymore. We have to be awesome! Help her out with some things, make her feel like she is worthy of your love, try to meet each other halfway, when it comes to each other’s personalities. Hell, sing a song to her, dance like an idiot to help her feel better, etc. Once you are able to do that, you’ll find that the rare black woman or men isn’t all that rare at all, and she will possibly think the same thing of you. (Ladies, this means you, too. You got to be awesome, too.) It’s only after you open yourself up that you start to find out what girl (or guy) you have anyway.

Now, when I responded to two YouTubers basically condemning black women, I responded by saying that if there is no good black women, how did I find mine? She may not be perfect (hell, nobody is), but she is the awesomeness to me. Hell, I looked up the definition of twin flames, and it described us to a tee. Their response is to give me congratulations for finding that “rare good black woman”. In fact, one specifically said, “Good for you for finding the rare good black woman…but I ain’t fuckin with no bitch who wanna bow up and act hard all the damn time. A bitch who always want the drama and then act ghetto like a fuckin man with bitch overtones.” What they don’t realize is 1) the ladies are trying to duck that exact same thing from us men and 2) that there are indeed that kind of good black women all around. I know some that date outside of their race because black men aren’t trying to mess with them. They mess with the same kind of girls that make them want to condemn girls in the near future. (Sound familiar, guys?)

The flaws and eccentricities may make it hard for you to locate them, but they are out there. Like I said, the mark of a suitable person is to be able to try and work with those flaws or accept those eccentricities. Hell, help the person find a way to turn their flaws into something positive.

And since we are on the topic of looking past flaws, ladies, this means you, too. Black men aren’t perfect. No man is perfect. Good black men are all around, but sometimes, it helps to look past some unrealistic ideas on what a good man is, and check your own shit before having his be the reason for your aversion.

With this in mind, let me be the first to say: I love you, “rare black woman”! We’ve had some hard times, and some good times. The last thing you should ever have to worry about is me leaving you. Keep bringing me your best, and I’ll bring mine because you are worth it! 🙂