punks gotta eat, xmas edition

December 25, 2012

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, FESTIVUS and all the good December well wishes that come with this time of year! Hopefully you’re chilling at your grandmother’s house stuffing your face and not feeling guilty about that 3rd glass of eggnog, because that’s the TRUE meaning of christmas– butter! So go stack up your plate with seconds and enjoy this AFROPUNK foodie of PUNKS GOTTA EAT, XMAS EDITION! (then itis time!)

Cee-lo = All I want for Christmas = Gingerbread House

Hands down the best Christmas album of the year! I’ve been putting this album off, but on Xmas Eve I thought I should put on my holiday face and blast some Cee-lo. Besides feeling like I’m on a peppermint walkway with Jack Frost skipping to Santa’s crib this album reminds me of fun holiday memories. Picking my favorite tune wasn’t that hard since I have a strong attachment to this song from the 90s. All I Want for Christmas is the song to put on repeat while attempting to make a gingerbread house with all the trimmings. Gumdrops, frosting, peppermint sticks, skittles, ALL DAT GOOD STUFF!!! Cee-lo is my big ass ginger bread house this year, so brown and sweet. Seriously, this has to be the jolliest album I’ve ever heard; I’m so close to running outside my house, knocking on my neighbors door and starting a flash mob down the block.

Jacob Miller, We Wish You a Irie Christmas = Rum Fruitcake

We Wish You a Irie Christmas and a Dance Hall New Year is all I had to hear from to know that I need to give this album to all my plant friendly friends thiiss Chriiistmaaas. Whilst swinging my makeshift dreads I wish deeply wishing I had some Jamacian rum fruitcake pon mi side. Not this American ish, but the kind that contains fruits heavily soaked red and white rum months before Xmas. This album is so poppin I might get the album art on my back.

Dogg Pound, I Wish = Hot Chocolate with whipped cream & marshmallows spiked w/100 Proof Peppermint Schnapps

Tis the season for West Coast lovin’!!! GTA San Andreas just came out on the PlayStation Network and I need to have this song on CJ’s radio while I’m cruising down Grove St. in my Cadillac. This album is trilla than a gangsta Rudolph. How do you make an album that makes people wanna kript walk and hang up the Christmas tree with you’re family and significant other? Let it be known that I will be bumpin this album near my computer screen fireplace screensaver while drinking hot cocoa with whipped cream and marshmallows…spiked with 100 proof peppermint schnapps. Gotta keep it gangsta boo! BLAAAOOOW!

DMX, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer = Oven Roasted Chicken

Thank you Santa for delivering my present early this year. For those of you who haven’t heard DMX was asked to “sing” Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer for a radio station. He completely killed it so much that every time someone calls my phone people are forced to hear DMX sing this jolly tune as my ringtone. With his combinations of come on’s and WHAT’s his raspy voice and the jingling of his chain made this song pure gold. He is the main dish of this Christmas song feast and if you’re not messing with him then you MUST be a vegetarian.

Eazy E- Merry Mutafuckin’ Xmas = Christmas Ham

WAAAAAAAATTTTT!!??!! I didn’t even know this existed! The first 50 seconds of the song consist of Eazy-E doing a driveby and shooting at people shouting MERRY CHRISTMAS MUTHAF*CKAA!!! I can’t say too much about this song and if you haven’t heard it you would agree. If I listen to this song too long I’m probably going to revise my letter to Santa and ask for a glock. Food wise, nothing but Christmas ham comes to mind when I hear this song. This is what happens when people eat to much pork, they make ish like this! I gotta say it’s a trill song for those of you who live life on the edge and eat swine.

Run DMC, Christmas Time In Hollis Queens = Chicken and Collard Greens

It wouldn’t be a Christmas without having Run DMC on the list, duh. This song will make you tell your mom to make chicken and collard greens when you know she only cooks that stank plate of green bean casserole and you guys go to your Uncle Ted’s place for the Holidays. Anyway, any rap Christmas song that almost gives me a hope there’s a Santa I f*cks wit it. Yo, but did you see the fresh gear Run DMC got for Xmas in that video tho?

James Brown, Soulful Christmas = Mashed Potatos

Wanna get down like James Brown this Xmas!? Well you can to this funky beat Soulful Christmas. Do the mashed potato and the funky chicken all day to this jam. Can’t you just imagine a James Brown hologram dancing on your fireplace mantel? So can I, and that’s why hands down this song is to be compared to mashed potatoes and some kick ass chicken gravy! AOOOOW!!! Thank you for leaving this with us JB (not Justin Bieber).

R. Kelly = Love Letter Christmas = Sweet Potato Pie

This song almost made me forget all those charges filled against Kellz back in the day. However with his past hits and Trapped in the Closet Series now revamped into pure stupidity I can actually bump this song without thinking about any of that (well maybe just a little bit). I just want to spread joy with him throughout the town, maybe singing Christmas carols arm in arm at the local hospital to the little boys and girls. Thank you R. Kelly for making me feel like you’re not a dirty old man for 5 minutes and 45 seconds. Sweet potato pie is what this song is serving, with just a dash a of whipped cream.

Kurtis Blow, Christmas Rappin’ = Buttermilk Biscuits and Gravy

I completely regret not making Christmas albums this year, and if I had this would have been the first track. This is so funky that I can’t control myself but to pop lock while writing thiiiis. This song is tooo dope for words and you just need to hear it to experience it. All this is making me want to do is dip my biscuits in some gravy, yuuuuummmmmmmm.

Juelz Santana & Starr “Jingle Bellz” = Pfeffernuesse

As much as I dislike dipset I have to give it to them, thank you for making this ridiculous album and creating my favorite song for the next 5 minutes. This video is so bad it’s good, I still feel a little guilty almost like watching a car wreck and not calling 911 immediately. Pfeffernuesse. This song just screams out pfeffernuesse, it’s an odd named food for an odd song/video (more so the video if anything). I’m still glad that Dipset broke up or whatever they did to stop making music together. YEA I SAID IT.

Ying Yang Twins – Ho Ho = The unwanted guest.
To think a Christmas song can make me think about dropping down and getting my eagle on before thinking about snow and Santa just makes me feel like I need a long shower. As much as I love the Ying Yang Twins, this is just CRAZY but great at the same time, JUST LISTEN. However, this jingle makes me feel like I’m spending my jolly filled day in a strip club, and sadly I’m not bout that life. This song is just as bad as having my imaginary hood rat second aunt twice removed with her 6in nails, Air Force One heels, nappy weave, gold fronts, and busted make up, coming over and drinking all 10 bottles of the wine we have then passes out on the couch, until we bring out dessert. Sorry Ying Yang Twins, but NOOOOOOO bueno.