punks gotta eat: if bands were food, what food would they be thanksgiving edition

Imagine being a fly on the wall at one of the most infamous feasts! A smorgasbord that would give the last supper a run for it’s money. A feast that took place in a place that was reminiscent of the Scary Movie 2 dinner scene, but much better lighting and the wall plastered with Kehinde Wiley paintings. At this table sits the old folks and the youngins who have just graduated from the kiddie table. The each have their own tastes and flavors, and all of the food is delicious, and tis no better season to get them together than Thanksgiving. CHOMP!

Jimi Hendrix = Edible Arrangements

Although Edible Arrangements are fairly new– FRUITS HAVE BEEN AROUND FOREVER! Jimi’s juicy music and avant-garde style was brilliantly combined into one person, effortlessly. Even those who love his music state that there’s always something new and fresh about a Hendrix song even though he hasn’t been in human form in over 30 years. Edible Arrangements are a beautiful center piece on the table that everyone wants to stare at and take home. Who can resist? It looks as delicious as you know it is. Psh I know if I was around back in Jimi’s age, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I’d take him home.

Slash = Fresh out the can Cranberry Sauce

Nothing beats cranberry sauce out of the can, let’s just get that out of the way. The same way nothing beats a guy with long curly locks and a top hat wailing on a guitar.  IT’LL NEVER GET OLD! No matter how my tastes change or how much i grow up- NEVER. Some people may not be fond of Slash (crazies) or even the gelatinous wonder of canned cranberry sauce (crazies), it/he’s a dish that def belongs at this table. 

Fishbone = Jiffy Cornbread

I’m pretty sure you’re asking why Fishbone is cornbread and not a fishy meal. Because you can’t fuck up cornbread, plain and simple (and if you have you shouldn’t be making it). Fishbone is as old school and funky as their sound. And how many ways can you get funky with Jiffy cornbread mix?- The options are endless! Seriously, if you listen to Fishbone while eating cornbread you’ll probably have an epiphany.

Lenny Kravitz =  Hot Spiked Apple Cider

DUH! HE’S HOT AND INTOXICATING. Lenny Kravitz and fresh warm spiked apple cider? Delicious, warm, damn near heaven like…yum.

Earth, Wind, Fire = 3 Cheese Baked Mac N’ Cheese

You can’t have a black Thanksgiving without baked mac n cheese no matter where you go ON EARTH. Earth, Wind and Fire are THE ELEMENTS that helped hold the title of the Fathers of Funk. Their music influenced so many types of funk rock and other types of rock in later years it’s unbelievable. You can find a different recipe for any combination of cheese or crumb topping, but nothing can compare to grandma’s OG baked 3-cheese! 

Death Grips = Yams and Marshmallows

Yams and Marshallows are THE most punk dish at any thanksgiving feast. Who would fu*k up the yams with marshmallows? And why are they so fu*king good- IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE! Death Grips are a pretty stellar and will fu*k up your shit and make you love it. Just like a sticky-icky mess of sugary yams, it’s the kind of dish you smack on til your mom smacks you upside the head. And at least in the food fight you know that they still taste great– in your hair!

Spank Rock = Sweet Potato Ravioli Stuffed w/Butternut Squash in Apple Cider Butter Sauce

Sweet Potato Ravioli Stuffed w/Butternut Squash in Apple Cider Butter Sauce sound ODD? Well, it’s delicious. As wonderfully odd as this meal sounds it’s just as deliciously odd as Spank Rock. This man is so eccentric that no new school meal could do this guy justice, but these funky raviolis. Yea, he’s fancy. Down to his creative videos to his snappy threads, this guy is nothing short of amazing with his sound, style and his spin on music and all the “seeming weird” elements are what make him so damn banging! His dancing isn’t half bad either (give me a call boo…)

Trash Talk = Bacon Mashed Potatoes with Oregano Butter

As delicious as this sounds, I’m pretty sure if Trash Talk were to make this dish it would be more like bacon bashed potatoes & weed butter. These kids are fucking insane but I love it, and so do their fans. Their antics when they’re performing live are beyond ridiculous! Have you ever seen someone start a mosh pit in a record store? Yea, that’s Trash Talk. Have you ever seen Bacon all up in your potatoes? YEA WHAT.

Joe Jordan’s Experiment = Spiced Apple Crumb Pie W/ Vanilla Ice Cream

After a feast you tell yourself NO MORE, I COULDN’T POSSIBLY– wait, is that PIE? That’s how I feel about Joe Jordan. THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR MORE JOE JORDAN! If you haven’t heard Joe Jordan’s Experiment then you’re stoops. Beyond that fact that the band is nothing short of amazing the lead vocalist, Joe, mom’s is the band’s drummer. Their sweet and spicy flavor is just perfection and when ice cream is added it makes you’re dessert experiment one to remember. Although I imagine Joe’s mom bringing me a slice of apple pie and how sweet it is that he’s in a band with his mom, I forget that they’re a rocking ass rock band and might push me head first into a mosh pit… so not that sweet. 

Bad Rabbits = Stuffing with Craisins & Bacon

An old school sound out of a new school band. Bad Rabbits is a perfect mix, a glorious blend, a wonderful concoction of new school and old school sounds. Their spin is like candied cranberries to your ears. Their savory, salty combination keep us coming back for more, and sneaking some even after graps tells you to back off. And they’re hot. like, hot out the oven HOT.

Lil Wayne = The Butler from Scary Movie 2

fine, Lil’ Wayne is the butler… but that butler from Scary Movie 2. The one that tries so hard to be at the table and apart of the group, and wants to be ALL UP IN everyone’s plate/verse yet manages to find a way to just eff everything up. I’ve been sick of Weezy for the longest and now that other people can see him for his true bright ass Trunk Fit colors I can rest easy.