what’s so good about thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving comes just one time each year, and really, aren’t we all pretty thankful for that?

Being American, there is no “good” way to acknowledge Thanksgiving. You can either downplay genocide and ethnic cleansing long enough to gobble down as many mounds of stuffing that you can manage or boycott altogether in self-martyrdom. It’s all pretty trash. Sometimes delicious trash, but trash no the less.

In years past, I’ve recommended some decent alternative ways for you to spend the holiday away from traditional turkey and stuffing. This year I’m prepared to suggest the next level: pretend nothing is happening at all! That’s right. Nothing at all. Sure, you may have the day off from work, unless you’re being crushed under the weight of capitalism, let’s just think of it as a miscellaneous bank holiday.

BOYCOTT BIG, WARM MEALS

Honestly, what sounds worse than overfilling your plate with delicious carbs, sauces, and gravies, waistband squeezing your gut? It hurts to move, you feel so, so round and gluttonous. It’s awful. And, really, haven’t you already tasted canned cranberries and marshmallows-saturated sweet potatoes? Tastes the same as last year. Matter fact tastes the same as it did in 1983. Been there, done that. So, unless your family is planning on steak and lobster, you ain’t gon’ miss much.

PARADES ARE KINDA BUNK

What the fuck is a “parade” anyhow? A bunch of goofies dressed up in costumes traipsing through the streets. Then they fly these grotesque oversized — and frankly — horrifying blow-up dolls and animals overhead. I don’t trust it. And if you, like me, live in New York City you know that parades are dirty, climate-destroying affairs. Nothing green or sustainable about them, really. Folks, drunk as hell, shouting in the streets about Black Friday sales, or whatever it is they’re doing. It’s awful — TRUST ME. Do you really want to be caught up in that? No, no you don’t.

FAMILIES ARE AWFUL

Not my family, but your family is probably not great, I’m sorry to say. Maybe it’s your Uncle Matt who us covering an increasingly large bald spot with a MAGA hat or your mama who explains your sexuality as “be likin’ girls”, someone in your family is very annoying. Should you have to put up with that and a dry-ass turkey that tastes like napkins? No, ma’am. Tell granny to save the sloppy kisses for the other grandchildren she barely remembers. This year, you’re out of pocket and there’s nothing that old woman can do about it.

There you have it, my friends. Perfectly justifiable reasons to opt-out of this year’s festivities with your waistline intact, feet well-rested, and a clear conscious.