op-ed: “i’m in hell already”: a look inside what severe depression really feels like (tw suicide)

October 18, 2016

The words you’re about to read are true. They come from my very first self help book called “A Fight Worth Finishing”. I want people to really look inside of the head of someone who has gone through severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I really want to wake people up.

Depression is real and it can feel like hell…it IS HELL. I was alone for so long because I felt like nobody understood me. The torment in my mind was real. The hurt and pain was unbearable. Let my words be a real wake up call. Depression is serious and help is needed. Never tell someone going through depression “It’s Not Real” because it truly is.”


I was already dying inside. Fed up was the perfect way to describe how I felt. I was fed up, with life. I thought I was at my lowest point, however I was just brought down even lower. I sat on my bed defeated. I was so angry with God. I felt like I had lost everything, especially all my faith. I was almost twenty six years old with absolutely nothing to show for it.

I had four different medications lined up around me. I sat on my bed removing them all from the bottles. I whispered in a defeated voice, “God. I’m not a bad person. Things were supposed to get better. Why do they just keep getting worse?” The pain I felt every day just wouldn’t end.

By Jasmin Pierre*, AFROPUNK contributor

For seven years, I had been dealing with major depressive disorder. However, 2014 had become the absolute worst of all my year’s suffering. I felt completely numb. I had overdosed on medication twice before, but it was never enough to kill me. This time it would. I was going to make sure of it. No one was going to stop me, not even the Creator. I don’t care if I go to hell! I’m already living it, I thought this to myself.

Quietly, I started thinking about people I loved, people I would never see again after today.
The majority of the medication I was taking made you fall asleep. I just wanted to fall into a deep sleep and never wake up. My subconscious reasoning spoke truth to me, even though I didn’t want to hear it. “Don’t do this!” kept playing in my head over and over again.

I tuned out my voice of reasoning. I opened up a 20 Oz. drink and picked up a handful of pills. I placed them into my mouth and started swallowing. My voice of reasoning started again. “Don’t do this! It’s not your time to die.” The more my subconscious reasoning got the best of me, the more pills I placed into my mouth, swallowing a handful more.

I had only a few pills left and I was about to swallow them, as well. That’s until the side-effects kicked in. I didn’t feel tired. I felt high and extremely paranoid. My dad was sleeping in the front room, so I knew if I was to be successful at this, I would have to be quiet. I was hoping to feel sleepy at any minute. It wasn’t happening. It was at that moment I knew I over did it completely. I wanted to make completely sure I would die, so I didn’t hold back on the medication.
I took as much as I could handle and then, took even more after that. I was so angry that I wasn’t falling asleep. The paranoia was getting worse, by the minute. I stood up and walked around my room. That didn’t calm me down, so I went into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. That didn’t help either. My heart was starting to beat faster and faster. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t even focus correctly.

I continued walking around in the bathroom, wondering what would happen next. My hands started shaking and my heart was beating faster and faster. I started thinking about my dad. I promised him years ago I would never overdose again. I had broken my promise, in the worst possible way.
Not only had I overdosed…I majorly overdosed. I knew the side-effects. I just knew what I was rapidly starting to experience now would kill me for sure.

If you’re interested in learning more about “A Fight Worth Finishing” click here.

*Jasmin Pierre is a 27-year-old mental health activist and author of the new self help book “A Fight Worth Finishing”. She is from New Orleans, Louisiana. Jasmin is constantly fighting for the rights of those suffering from major depressive disorder. She inspires to become a life coach and continue writing to encourage others to never give up.

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