i came “out” a week before my birthday: (premier) feature from analytical williams

Join us in celebrating our new weekly Queer feature with AFROPUNK contributor, Analytical Williams. This column will explore William’s personal experiences being bi-sexual, a tomboy and conscious all while keeping it AFROPUNK. This is the first feature from our new writer, so check her out every other Wednesday and allow her to introduce herself:

By: Analytical Williams, contributor

I was a little nervous to tell it, but honestly I thought it was a need since I was really feeling miserable about not saying (or accepting it) and it started to show in my attitude.  I don’t really know what made me come out to my parents in my mid twenties, but I knew that it was either that or live with this as a secret for the rest of my life (and I didn’t want that). 

I remember sitting my mother down that afternoon, trying to find the right way to tell her that her only daughter is a bisexual female.  Of course, I thought this was going to be hard… mainly because she was the first person I was coming out to.  So I asked her if she remembered one of my ex girlfriends (who she knew of as my friend) in which she replied, “Yes.  What about her?”

So I just said it, “Well, I was dating her.”

“Wait, you were dating her? So your…?” she didn’t finish her sentence, but just looked at me with a straight face.  That’s when I got scared, not because she knew, but because I didn’t want her to think any differently of me or to judge me. 

“I’m not gay… but I am bisexual.”

“Ma?”

“I’m just surprised…” she answered, a small laugh.  I guess the laugh was to keep her at ease, but it made me really nervous.  “I just didn’t expect it from you.”

“I didn’t expect it from me either, but I knew it… and I didn’t want to accept it.”  I really didn’t.  I didn’t want to accept the fact that I liked men andwomen.  I also didn’t want to disappoint anyone.  But, if I keep living my life that way, then I’ll be just as miserable as I was before that moment.  

“So, now that you are accepting it, do you feel better? …was you not accepting what you are causing you to have all those mood swings?”

“Yeah, I guess you can say that.”

She gave me a hug and told me that she wouldn’t pass judgement and I’m still her baby.  I was hoping she wasn’t secretly hating me inside, but she didn’t kick me out and nothing in our lives has changed, so I’m guessing I have nothing to worry about, haha. 

My grandmother’s reaction was different.  She said she could sense it.   “I knew you were ‘something’ when you kept making friends with gay people.”

I still can’t see what that has to with anything, but I’m not going to read too much into that reply.  She simply said these words with a smile, “Your sexuality is your business; there’s no reason to judge you.  All I really want is the girl I used to know… no more mood swings, ok?”

“Ok.” I haven’t been in too much of a bad mood after that.  I actually feel better about coming out and knowing they are okay with it makes me feel even better.

Now that I have “let it out,” hopefully now I can fully grasp and accept who I am, without judging myself.  I’ve been pretty okay with it so far, so let’s see how it goes. 

I’ll keep you posted:

~Ann