black witch: spells and the internet–not gonna work

October 24, 2012

So I was on the Black Witch tumblr, tumblin’ like always and look at what I found on my dashboard:

Oh. My. Gods. No. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I don’t know what site this is – I shall hereby declare thee webpage Spellz-R’n-Us, and it is done – but man, I really hope no one took that seriously. I mean, really? Okay, let’s go over what’s wrong with the whole picture, starting with the glaringly obvious.

It’s titled “Baby Spell”. Not fertility spell or anything potentially legit sounding but “Baby spell”.

It’s either “to make a baby or find love”, a major red flag because those aren’t very similar. At all.

Dat ad. It does not help the corniness and shadiness of it all.

What you will need for this spell: Rose peddles – I mean, petals. That’s it. Yes there is such thing as hand magick, meaning no materials used but your own mind and ability, and I am usually a fan of minimalism but this spell is a dud from the start

The casting instructions: First of all, handclap for the American public education system and American politics snipping it up, what stunning prose we all have witnessed. It was a twist between a rejected Justin Bieber song and adolescent stupidity/horniness in pure form.

This whole spell is a total joke but the wording, oh dear gods. I am a big fan of free verse poetry but this person simply has zero idea how lines work but then again it could be cut into by the Spell Index, I wouldn’t know and perhaps no one will through this person’s aversion to punctuation. Let us put special attention on the spelling and wording, bearing in mind that this is a spell for either to make a baby or be given love (something the writer of the spell has zero concept of). Now, if someone made a slipsies somewhere by forgetting a comma or something like that, I would not be that harsh because even this blog probably has some typos lurking on here but the writing is super bad. Let us focus on the word “pragnetse”


The word looks like it should rhyme with “magnet”. And the snippet it is in, “…baby give me pragnetse your so hot…”, oh my gods, the person who wrote it must be 12, there is no care towards fertility nor the desire of deep love which transcends the physical. This is not love, the person would have been more on point if she or he wrote “Oh man, let’s bone. Babezzzzzz.” And you can’t give someone a pragnetse or pregnant. While it is the creation of the gift of life, you still can’t give someone pregnants like, “Here you go, nine months of hormonal roller coasters and limited range of movement to finish with a pain that could kill a man and a new life with a wailing, shrill thing that hopefully won’t grow up to be a serial killer or genocidal maniac.” No. This isn’t even internet talk the person wrote, it’s incoherent and conflicting babble. (What if the person just wants love? Do they take that part out now?)

And this, “…baby baby come to me in reall life and my dreams” – No. Absolutely zero concept on love, I’m not letting up on this point. If you love someone (and all is healthy between you two), they shouldn’t consume your waking and dreaming life. This person has clearly never been in love or experienced a genuine relationship. This is, like, the <em>50 Shades of Grey</em>of spells: innaccurate beyond belief, jaw dropping for those who are more informed and the question begs, “Who greenlighted this stuff?”

Speaking of the action part, “then throw the rose peddles in the air and the spellis done”, lol-worthy. Dude, “peddles” and “spellis”, I am dyin’ over here. Oh man, does this person really think this spell will work with no raising energy and incoherency all around? There is no structure, you’d have to do more than chuck some roses petals in the air and that’s that, especially to inspire something as deep as fertility or love. Way more.


Man, this spell – and site – is all sorts of terrible. And oh look, apparently there’s spells for body swaping so all the pathethic guys asking me this can perhaps go over there. Hopefully no one, animal or human, dies as a result of this and if the spell is as bad as this one it won’t work.

All joking out my system (not really), here’s the thing: spells like the one I just dissected above would never work, a forever dud. Believe it or not but spells – good spells, well constructed spells – do have a method to their madness. Regardless whether the spell requires a lot of materials, some materials or none at all, there is a form and function to them all. And this is for any type of spells, simple to complicated.

Spells need well defined purpose. The spell above wasn’t, it was supposed to be used for two extremely different things. For a spell to work, it needs a solid purpose, simple as that. If there’s no purpose, then there’s no point. The purpose could be as little as just wanting to have a good day after a long streak of strife and trouble, it doesn’t matter as long as it is well defined. Even multi-purpose spells (which is what that spell tried to be and failed miserably at) are closely related and pretty general in function, not asking for something in particular.

Like attracts like in spells, the person who wrote the spell above apparently had the faintest of faint ideas of that but still missed the mark about a mile wide. In case a couple readers couldn’t figure, love and fertility aren’t easy spells and would need materials of some sort or at least a lot of skill to go material-less. And the actions you perform also have to be more than what the pseudo-spell above wrote. There has to be some meaning in what you do, what would chucking petals in the air have anything to do with having kids or finding (fake) love? If you want something palpable to occur, there would have to be more than just that. Now, if this person had better wording and said to have the rose petals released on a gusty day, I’d be a little more lenient because the symbolism is carrying – if you just want the love part, the whole motion is pretty useless for the baby part. There just has to be a defined point in what is being done.

It would also be smart to mention that without energy movement, you pretty much wasted your time and money. There is no movement of energy here, just say some poorly written words and hurl some rose petals. There’s no pulling of energy, no raising of energy, nothing. Just empty movements.

Frankly, this spell is a fantastic picture of what a skeevy looking spell looks like and why you shouldn’t use spells you found on the internet.

That’s all for Black Witch! Next time: Divination and Halloween!

Please remember to submit for Samhain Pickers! Samhain Pickers is the yearly divination sweepstakes that I do. Here’s how to enter:

Send an email to thisblackwitch@hotmail.com with “Samhain Pickers” in the subject line and your:
Email (to contact the winner)
Form of divination done (Cartomancy, Tarot, natal chart, dream interpretation)

And winners will be selected on Oct. 26 so get crackin and submit! Also there will be a BW Ustream chat (I am learning to get better at those) on Samhain at 4:30 PM EST. Be there!

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