ask black witch: furry dreams?! (another off day…)

March 9, 2012

Hey! Black Witch: Life from the Black Pagan Perspective, vol. 1is out now! It’s for sale in both hardbound book (which I made by hand thanks to doing bookbinding as a teen) and e-book form in the Black Witch Etsy shop! More details below! Onward with the column! Not really any questions to answer, it’s been a slow month for Black Witch. But that’s kinda a good thing as the book version of this blog Black Witch: Life from the Black Pagan Perspective vol. 1comes out tomorrow and the series “Comin Straight Outta Your Monolith” starts this Friday. Also that notes the last of the semi-annual series, the rest shall be yearly as I originally planned for this blog.

Words by Black Witch

I only got one question for this month and it was kinda derpy at face value:

“Hi I was wondering is it possible to be turned or turn someone from human into a dog or partly into a dog? iv wanted this to happen for 8 years but i can find a way for it to happen. i kow it may sound far feached but this is my most pressus dream. can you give me any advice or help?”

– Jessie

This started an email exchange since I said that this pretty much sounded like someone who just wanted their furry dreams to come true – and what is it with people asking me about transformation spells? She responded:

“well i would like to thank you for replying to my question as i actually thourght you wouldt reply as it seemed too silly i thourght. id like to know if this dose happen to someone what is the time range it would take to see the resolts of the change or dose it depend on the strength of the spell and the person casting it?

its not somthing i would want to happen permently.”

I try to respond to everything I can when I get a chance, hence why I have a tablet, laptop and smartphone with direct connect to the Black Witch email. And that does mean (just about) anything from really intelligent to really stupid. Honestly, do you hear some back-peddling and confusion or is this just me? First it’s her precious dream and now something that she wouldn’t want permanently. And what is it with people thinking that they’re cursed? Everyone, please remember that what you see on tv or in the movies are probably not real. Usually when people know tons of witches and occultists, they don’t really worry about hexes. When they don’t know anything about magick outside of Harry Potter, I get these kind of questions.

So I have this letter up here as a basic lesson to the readers: If you don’t mess around with magick, chances are stupidly good it won’t mess around with you. And even if you did, it’s still not entirely likely to get a hex. And if furridom is your kit, just buy a suit and pretend like everyone else.

Alright! On to some of the rejects I never before posted on Ask Black Witch! I don’t know why I didn’t do this last time but eh, I’m not sad.

“Can u teleport me to :[2424 No House No Door, USA]. My aunt and i will get in contact with u if u succedd u will get alot of cash. I also want blue eyes, i want light skin as the rapper drake, i want a broad muscular body and new and neat teeth. I really need these. Please succedd and u will be paid. Teleport me first.”

– Baker

I’ve been dying to use that .gif, lolz

Oh my god, are you serious? Lolololololololololololololololololololololo,lawlz

Ok, when I first got this, I was at dinner with a friend and flipped at how stupid the question was. I really hope I did not disturb the family nearby.

Alright, lemme break it down, I think I can probably stunt a few more questions like these if I get this out of the way.

Firstly, do you know the main difference between genies and witches? One you find and get to ask for whatever you want practically and the other simply don’t work that way. You could rub every lamp in my home (which would be much appreciated because I’m lazy and housecleaning day is looming closer and closer) and I still don’t grant wishes. This kid was writing from Jamaica and I am very aware of the magick culture that they have (I’m half-Jamaican) but this is clearly beyond that. This kid pretty much wants to be Drake with blue eyes and nice teeth (I don’t know what teeth Drake has, I’m not his dentist and I barely knew of his visual existence) and to be transported to America. I have no clue to as why all this is needed but I did tell the kiddo that even if I did do spells like this (they do exist but they’re more high magick than anything), it would prolly cost way more than what a plane ticket, gym membership, skin bleach and dentist visit would. The average big spell is worth about several thousand dollars, I’ve seen figures easily pop into the $25,000-$50,000 range because of how skilled the person doing it is, what they’re doing, the purpose of the spell and all that stuff. Pay-for-Pray (paid spellwork) is expensive. Besides, it sounds like this kid was a little skeevy and I certainly am not swayed by money like that – I have a job, folks.

And this is ignoring the very easy colorism/gender/self-perception debate that I could just have launched off of. Y’all discuss that among yourself or even post here if you like, it is an interesting debate.


I was looking for a way to contact a witch, would you be in any position to assist?


– Kemp

Yeah, there’s no special yellowbook for witches. I mean, there’s WitchVox but nothing with numbers and addresses and stuff like a yellowbook. WV is kinda like a pre-Facebook spot for Witches and Pagans. But I can guarantee you it’s nothing like in the book So, You Want to be a Wizard?, which I loved. We use Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Skype and other social media sites like anybody else. I don’t have an owl delivering me my mail (I wish) and I dredge through my email just like everybody else. If you want to contact a witch, just go to where Witches hang out.

D’accord, I respond with this pretty much and that started a long and tedious email exchange that pretty much boiled down to this:

K:You laughed at me, I am hurt.
Me:You were being derpy.
K: Fine, can I get to know you?
Me: No.
K: Why not?
Me: You bug me and I don’t generally make friends with readers, blurs the reader/writer dynamic
K: But you could get something out of knowing me
Me: Nothing that I probably couldn’t find in someone else more tolerable
K: This is a disservice to your readership
Me: No it’s not.
K: Yes it is.
Me: I can be tweeted, emailed, commented, written to and PM’d (if on Afro-Punk), I’m very available but that’s it.
K: But I want to learn more about you
Me: Then read my LJ and be satisfied
K: Meanie
Me:It is what it is, deal with it

Yep. At least he wrote with some knowledge of the English language, unlike the previous two. Please, should you write to me, write legibly, especially if you want me to take the question seriously.

Alright, that’s all for ABW. Throughout March there’s going to be a series titled “Comin’ Straight Outta Your Monolith”, which looks at Blackness, Black culture and Blacks who participate in alternative culture and how it is all perceived. And remember, Black Witchthe book/e-book is out! Cop dat, cop dat.

If you want more Black Witch, it updates every Friday:
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